


How The Master Stole Christmas

by gayabstractconcept



Category: Doctor Who
Genre: Christmas, Comedy, Dr. Seuss - Freeform, Episode: s03e12 The Sound of Drums, Episode: s03e12-e13 The Sound of Drums/Last of the Time Lords, Episode: s03e13 Last of the Time Lords, Grinch References, I'm Jewish, Other, Pastiche, Spoilers for Episode: s03e12 The Sound of Drums, Spoilers for Episode: s03e13 Last of the Time Lords, Tinkerbell jesus
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-09
Updated: 2016-07-09
Packaged: 2018-07-22 13:24:09
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,026
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7440871
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gayabstractconcept/pseuds/gayabstractconcept
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.</p>
            </blockquote>





	How The Master Stole Christmas

Every Timelord from Gallifrey liked Earth a whole lot…  
But the Master, who fled from Gallifrey, did NOT!  
He hated the Earth! The whole earthly planet!  
Nobody knows why, but he wanted to can it!

It could be his TARDIS had a broken gas heater,  
Or perhaps that his wife looked just like an anteater,  
But the most likely reason, I tell you with dread,  
Was the sound of the drums echoing ‘round his head.

Whatever the reason, ship, wife, or head-boomin’s,  
He stood there on the Valiant’s deck, hating the humans.  
Staring down from his ship, manic grin ear-to-ear,  
At the surface, the people who cowered in fear,  
For he knew every human in their barracks below  
Would soon fall to his armies, and to war they would go.

“Here come the Toclafane,” was his gleeful war cry,  
“The countdown is going! The warships will fly!”  
Then he growled, with his fingers still drumming and drumming,  
“I must find a way to stop the Doctor from coming!”

For he knew that the Doctor would thwart all his schemes  
And crush all his megalomaniac dreams.  
Oh, the beautiful wars! Oh the wars!  
Wars! Wars! Wars!  
The Doctor would stop him from starting his wars!

He wanted to conquer the whole universe  
And the dumb Doctor’s gang was just making it worse.  
They were breaking his gadgets and killing his drones  
And don’t get him started on Martha Damn Jones!

As she traveled the whole world and visited all  
Of the downtrodden folk, both the tall and the small,  
She’d fill them with tales and with hope of the man  
That he had in his living room, locked in a can!

They would hope! And they’d hope! And they’d hope,  
Hope, hope, hope!  
And the more that the Master imagined, he’d mope,  
And the more he would think, “I must shut down these dopes!

I must turn this rebellion into Toclafane chow!  
I must stop the Doctor from rising! But HOW?”  
Then he got an idea. An awful idea!  
The Master got a wonderful, awful idea!

“I know just what to do!” and he turned on the telly.  
“Hey Martha!” He said, “Look at this old and smelly  
Geezer,” he chuckled, “What a Gallifreyan joke!  
He can’t save you! He’s practically having a stroke!”

But out in the wilderness, unbeknownst to the Master,  
Little Martha Jones’ plans were working faster and faster,  
And under his nose in a devious plot,  
Her family were swearing that soon he’d be shot!

Did that bother him? Nope! For inside his brain,  
The sound of the drums had him going insane!  
So he called all his soldiers and gathered his bombs  
And he strapped little black holes to the Toclafane’s bums –

“Tomorrow!” he said, “We’ll make war on the stars!  
We’ll kill everyone else with a million wars,  
Then I’ll be in charge! I’ll be like a god,  
With my darlingest Lucy beside me, my squad  
Of robots in rows at my back, and the skies  
On fire forever as EVERYONE DIES!”

So he got in his shuttle and zoomed down from his ship  
Towards the homes where the humans were hiding, and skipped  
Down the street of the town, and he called out for Martha,  
Who made a brave choice as he rampaged yet farther!

She stepped out the door and she threw down her pack,  
Which he blew up, then shot her friend Tom in the back.  
Then he took her back up to the Valiant’s deck,  
With the Doctor and Jack, and his gun at her neck!

As the fleet counted down like a million brass knuckles,  
Little Martha Jones knelt and she started to chuckle!  
“The gun was a fake,” Martha said, and she giggled,  
And the poor Doctor up in his cage, well, he wriggled,

“As if I would ask her to kill,” he wheezed,  
But the Master, he just said, “Whatever!” and sneezed!  
“When I traveled the world,” said the bravest Companion,  
“I just told a story! There’s no Uzi or cannon,

Just faith in the Doctor stretching from pole to pole!  
I told them to think of him at the countdown’s last toll!  
And the Archangel Network will carry our thoughts of the Doctor –  
Oh, the Doctor, the Doctor,  
the Doctor, Doctor, Doctor, Doctor!”

And the Master grabbed Lucy and started to deuce,  
When he heard a a long “waaall,” like the honk of a goose,  
He turned around fast and he saw that blue suit,  
Little Doctor Lou Who, with a wink and salute,  
Had been raised in the air by the thoughts of the people,  
As high as a tree, no, as as high as a steeple!

He stared at the Master and he said to his brother,  
“I’m so sorry,” as the Toclafane, one after another,  
Came zooming back to protect the Paradox,  
As Jack rushed to the basement to unhook the Blue Box!

“I forgive you,” the Doctor said, glowing with light,  
And the Master, who just wouldn’t give up the fight,  
Pulled out of his pocket a black hole converter!  
“I know you,” the Doctor said, “And you won’t murder  
Yourself, so just give up!” And just as he leaned  
To take it, Jack blew up the Paradox Machine!

They all fell on the ground as time was reversing,  
The poor Master on the floor yelling and cursing!  
For a year and a day everything was undone,  
And the evil Toclafane went back to where they were from.

“Now what shall we do with this jerk Harold Saxon?”  
Everyone was yelling, just as loud as a klaxon!  
“I’ll keep him from hurting anyone else,” said the Doctor,  
“I’ll keep watch over him like an immortal proctor.”

Unhappy with this, Saxon’s wife grabbed the blaster,  
And Lucy,  
She, herself,  
Lucy shot and killed the Master.

And the Doctor, he cried ‘til his crier was sore,  
Then the Doctor thought of something he hadn’t before!  
“Maybe Time Lords,” he thoughts, “aren’t all about war!  
Maybe Gallifrey…perhaps…means a little bit more!”

And what happened then? Well, on Earth, as they say,  
The Doctor’s two hearts grew three sizes that day!


End file.
